Social League Stereotypes

By Tom Oliver

The ‘Keeper

A fixture of every social league side, the ‘keeper unfailingly manages to pull off a series of world class saves against your team, before eventually conceding via a horrific error. Given that he is actually a right back and has no gloves, the ‘keeper has no right to be playing this well! Come to think of it, maybe this has something to do with your team’s strikers?

Second XI Winger

Although he is really too good at football to be playing in social league, the Second XI winger would prefer to spend his Wednesday afternoon nutmegging unsuspecting defenders than going to strength and conditioning. Unfortunately for his teammates however, he will not pass the ball under any circumstances. The Second XI winger can usually be spotted attempting Cruyff turns on his own goal line or losing possession after attempting to take on an entire defence at once.

The Centre-Back

The centre-back is the epitome of passion in social league. Always willing to put his body on the line for the side, with crucial blocks and challenges, he is often the only player on his team actually interested in defending. Despite his incredible fighting spirit, the centre-back never really learned to win the ball standing up. Actually, he never learned any footballing skill other than slide tackling. Unsurprisingly, he sees every loose ball as an opportunity to launch into a crunching challenge. The way he mixes premier league aggression with social league talent can only be admired.

The Striker

The striker is a crucial part of every social league side. He is often seen trying to stand as far offside as possible without the referee noticing, or attempting to crash home rebounds from two yards. Sadly for the striker, social league referees see everything. Even more sadly, the striker is definitely the worst finisher on his team. He is generally presented with a few dozen golden chances each game, but his teammates can only watch in awe as he tries his best to hit the LEH flagpole. If he does eventually score, don’t expect to hear the end of it for weeks. The striker prides himself on his technique and positional instincts in the box, adamantly refusing to recognise how terrible he is at both of these things. He insists that he is the star player not only on his team, but in the entire social league. His teammates disagree.

The Professional

Normally the captain of his side, the professional spends the majority of the game shouting instructions at his teammates, while making no effort to assist them. Although the professional is the first to blame his teammate when his own horrendous pass is intercepted, he is also the first to celebrate his team’s goals. If the professional himself scores, expect him to knee slide on the 3G, or maybe even take his shirt off. Distraught when his team loses and ecstatic when they win, the professional lives and breathes social league. He can often be found with a whiteboard attempting to craft an innovative new tactic for the next round of games, or watching Pep Guardiola edits as he contemplates how similar he and the City manager really are.